The Great Garden Gnome Rebellion
May. 26th, 2008 08:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marguerite_26My ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hd_500 entry for May.
This quirky little fic was constantly morphing on me – concrit is very welcome.
Fandom/pairing: Harry Potter, H/D
Challenge: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sunsets_shadows
Prompts: panda, voluptuous, bubbles
Dialogue: "Better to have loathed and loved than never to have loathed at all."
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, character death (not HD)
Word Count: ~1100
Summary: Harry thought after defeating Voldermort he’d get his Happily Ever After. Alas, Trelawney’s tea leaves never foretold the horrors of the Great Garden Gnome Rebellion.
Author's Note: Beta credit to the wonderfulanthimaeria. Thank you for seeing this fic through the various iterations! :D Any mistakes are mine because I couldn’t stop fiddling with it.
The Great Garden Gnome Rebellion
In the years following the second Voldemort war, the wizarding world began to heal itself. The Ministry was rebuilt and cleansed of the internal corruption which plagued it during the war years. The prejudice of blood status was overcome. Everyone worked hard to earn their happily ever after.
Alas, Trelawney’s tea leaves never foretold the horrors of the Great Garden Gnome Rebellion. Overnight, it seemed, the wizarding world had turned into a lonely and paranoid community. The death toll was unprecedented. Garden gnomes were no longer the silly creatures that were flung over fences.
Hermione and Ron had been the first of Harry’s friends to go. Hermione, full of righteous optimism, organized the Peaceful End to the Abuse of Garden Gnomes. The first PEAGG meeting – attended by Hermione, Ron and half a dozen others Hermione blackmailed into signing up – left no survivors. Harry arrived half an hour late for the meeting and discovered the bodies.
Six months later, Ginny was attacked near a peony bush while taking tea with Blaise Zabini.
That funeral had been surreal. Sitting beside Malfoy, politely ignoring the brightness in each others' eyes had led to a truce of sorts.
When Dawlish made Harry and Malfoy partners, neither had raised an eyebrow. Following the assassination of the Minister of Magic, the ranks of the Aurors had been decimated. This was no time for schoolboy rivalries among the Ministry’s only line of defence.
The magical populace was living in fear of every moderately-sized bit of foliage in case of an ambush. The constant threat had left the survivors shut up indoors and quick with a wand when they ventured out. And now the Statute of Secrecy was at serious risk.
If The Daily Mail was to be believed, there had been several mysterious injuries at the Whipsnade Wild Animal Park - bruises and bites mostly, but one unfortunate chap needed surgery after trying to take a piss on a shrubbery. Details of his injury were suspiciously absent. The picture beside the article showed a tiny blood-soaked blur gnawing on a woman’s ankle.
Hardly proof of a secret magical world, but it was enough for the Ministry to send their top two remaining Aurors scouring the zoo for rogue gnomes.
And so here they were, standing in front of posters: Red Panda Babies, Turn Right! Bubbles the Sea Lion, Turn Left!
“We need to find animals that eat shrubs or long grass. If we find the right habitat, we will find our gnomes,” Malfoy suggested.
Harry conceded to the logic and turned the pages of the zoo pamphlet until he found what he was looking for. “Got it! Bug and Nicola, our two pygmy hippos eat fallen fruits, ferns, shrubs and grasses." He laughed weakly. "Fallen fruit, shrubs and grasses? Sounds like the Weasleys's backyard.”
Malfoy simply nodded, stoic and professional as always. “Lead the way,” he said. There was no room for derogatory comments about the dead, anymore.
*
While they waited for the voluptuous zoo keeper to finish checking the hippos, Draco nodded towards graffiti on an adjacent wall. “Better to have loathed and loved than never to have loathed at all,” Malfoy read. “Is that a Muggle saying?”
Harry shrugged. “It’s a joke, I guess. The real saying is, Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Malfoy held his glance for a heartbeat before turning away.
Fuck.
Aurors had two rules; Harry and Draco had added a third.
You do your job.
You don’t die.
You don’t talk about who you’ve buried.
They never, ever talked of those they lost. It made it all too unbearable. The empty desks at the ministry, the weekly funerals they begged off from, going home every night to silent, empty apartment – all were off-limits.
Harry wavered on whether to apologize or if that would make it worse. Now was not the time to be distracted. Fortunately, the zoo keeper moved on, leaving him and Draco free to continue their mission.
They discreetly levitated each other into the hippo enclosure, slowly making their way through the thick undergrowth. Both of them knew that gnomes were tiny and fast. Their numbers could be easily hidden among the small bushes and long grass. The Aurors held their wands at the ready; many had been lost by underestimating the gnomes' tactical abilities.
A twig snapped.
And another.
Harry and Draco spun in a circle back to back, their wands darting from bush to bush.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came a high-pitched battle cry.
Lallallalallala!
*
Together, Harry and Draco lay panting on the grass. Their clothes were wet and heavy with blood and sweat, and their faces smeared with dirt and more blood. Tiny bodies lay motionless all around them, eyes staring blankly from bald, potato-shaped heads. The miniature silver buttons that adorned their little vests sparkled defiantly in the sunshine.
Harry’s eyes travelled over the slaughter, the uselessness of death came crashing down on him. Somewhere, somehow in this crazy, fucked-up world there had to be something that made sense. Something more than death and blood and covering bodies over with dirt.
He looked over at Malfoy’s face, flushed and glowing with adrenaline and gratitude for surviving another encounter. Harry longed to feel the pounding of a heart that wasn’t his own, to taste sweat that clung to heated skin, to run fingers through battle-messy hair. If he could just touch that life for a moment, maybe…
Harry leaned over and pressed his lips against Malfoy’s. The lips were soft and warm, slightly chapped and salty tasting. So very alive.
Like being pulled from hypothermia through a bubbling cauldron. His heart ached at the feel of breath against his skin. Harry pulled back.
A strong hand grasped his shirt and pulled him forward until once again, their lips were pressed tight together. A hot, wet tongue slid across his bottom lip, begging for entrance.
Harry struggled to get away, “I can’t please. I need…”
Malfoy growled in frustration. “Potter, shut up. All right? Just shut up and feel. ”
The next kiss was open mouthed and desperate, all teeth and tongues and sloppy sounds. There were whimpers and groans and hands moving everywhere.
Harry finally felt alive again.
~fin~
A/N: All animals mentioned in this fic do, in fact, exist and reside in the ZSL Whipsnade Zoo
eta:catsintheattic wrote a cute little poem to go with this crazy fic! omg! *diez*
hd_500 entry for May. This quirky little fic was constantly morphing on me – concrit is very welcome.
Fandom/pairing: Harry Potter, H/D
Challenge: Written for
sunsets_shadowsPrompts: panda, voluptuous, bubbles
Dialogue: "Better to have loathed and loved than never to have loathed at all."
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, character death (not HD)
Word Count: ~1100
Summary: Harry thought after defeating Voldermort he’d get his Happily Ever After. Alas, Trelawney’s tea leaves never foretold the horrors of the Great Garden Gnome Rebellion.
Author's Note: Beta credit to the wonderful
anthimaeria. Thank you for seeing this fic through the various iterations! :D Any mistakes are mine because I couldn’t stop fiddling with it. The Great Garden Gnome Rebellion
In the years following the second Voldemort war, the wizarding world began to heal itself. The Ministry was rebuilt and cleansed of the internal corruption which plagued it during the war years. The prejudice of blood status was overcome. Everyone worked hard to earn their happily ever after.
Alas, Trelawney’s tea leaves never foretold the horrors of the Great Garden Gnome Rebellion. Overnight, it seemed, the wizarding world had turned into a lonely and paranoid community. The death toll was unprecedented. Garden gnomes were no longer the silly creatures that were flung over fences.
Hermione and Ron had been the first of Harry’s friends to go. Hermione, full of righteous optimism, organized the Peaceful End to the Abuse of Garden Gnomes. The first PEAGG meeting – attended by Hermione, Ron and half a dozen others Hermione blackmailed into signing up – left no survivors. Harry arrived half an hour late for the meeting and discovered the bodies.
Six months later, Ginny was attacked near a peony bush while taking tea with Blaise Zabini.
That funeral had been surreal. Sitting beside Malfoy, politely ignoring the brightness in each others' eyes had led to a truce of sorts.
When Dawlish made Harry and Malfoy partners, neither had raised an eyebrow. Following the assassination of the Minister of Magic, the ranks of the Aurors had been decimated. This was no time for schoolboy rivalries among the Ministry’s only line of defence.
The magical populace was living in fear of every moderately-sized bit of foliage in case of an ambush. The constant threat had left the survivors shut up indoors and quick with a wand when they ventured out. And now the Statute of Secrecy was at serious risk.
If The Daily Mail was to be believed, there had been several mysterious injuries at the Whipsnade Wild Animal Park - bruises and bites mostly, but one unfortunate chap needed surgery after trying to take a piss on a shrubbery. Details of his injury were suspiciously absent. The picture beside the article showed a tiny blood-soaked blur gnawing on a woman’s ankle.
Hardly proof of a secret magical world, but it was enough for the Ministry to send their top two remaining Aurors scouring the zoo for rogue gnomes.
And so here they were, standing in front of posters: Red Panda Babies, Turn Right! Bubbles the Sea Lion, Turn Left!
“We need to find animals that eat shrubs or long grass. If we find the right habitat, we will find our gnomes,” Malfoy suggested.
Harry conceded to the logic and turned the pages of the zoo pamphlet until he found what he was looking for. “Got it! Bug and Nicola, our two pygmy hippos eat fallen fruits, ferns, shrubs and grasses." He laughed weakly. "Fallen fruit, shrubs and grasses? Sounds like the Weasleys's backyard.”
Malfoy simply nodded, stoic and professional as always. “Lead the way,” he said. There was no room for derogatory comments about the dead, anymore.
*
While they waited for the voluptuous zoo keeper to finish checking the hippos, Draco nodded towards graffiti on an adjacent wall. “Better to have loathed and loved than never to have loathed at all,” Malfoy read. “Is that a Muggle saying?”
Harry shrugged. “It’s a joke, I guess. The real saying is, Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Malfoy held his glance for a heartbeat before turning away.
Fuck.
Aurors had two rules; Harry and Draco had added a third.
You do your job.
You don’t die.
You don’t talk about who you’ve buried.
They never, ever talked of those they lost. It made it all too unbearable. The empty desks at the ministry, the weekly funerals they begged off from, going home every night to silent, empty apartment – all were off-limits.
Harry wavered on whether to apologize or if that would make it worse. Now was not the time to be distracted. Fortunately, the zoo keeper moved on, leaving him and Draco free to continue their mission.
They discreetly levitated each other into the hippo enclosure, slowly making their way through the thick undergrowth. Both of them knew that gnomes were tiny and fast. Their numbers could be easily hidden among the small bushes and long grass. The Aurors held their wands at the ready; many had been lost by underestimating the gnomes' tactical abilities.
A twig snapped.
And another.
Harry and Draco spun in a circle back to back, their wands darting from bush to bush.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came a high-pitched battle cry.
Lallallalallala!
*
Together, Harry and Draco lay panting on the grass. Their clothes were wet and heavy with blood and sweat, and their faces smeared with dirt and more blood. Tiny bodies lay motionless all around them, eyes staring blankly from bald, potato-shaped heads. The miniature silver buttons that adorned their little vests sparkled defiantly in the sunshine.
Harry’s eyes travelled over the slaughter, the uselessness of death came crashing down on him. Somewhere, somehow in this crazy, fucked-up world there had to be something that made sense. Something more than death and blood and covering bodies over with dirt.
He looked over at Malfoy’s face, flushed and glowing with adrenaline and gratitude for surviving another encounter. Harry longed to feel the pounding of a heart that wasn’t his own, to taste sweat that clung to heated skin, to run fingers through battle-messy hair. If he could just touch that life for a moment, maybe…
Harry leaned over and pressed his lips against Malfoy’s. The lips were soft and warm, slightly chapped and salty tasting. So very alive.
Like being pulled from hypothermia through a bubbling cauldron. His heart ached at the feel of breath against his skin. Harry pulled back.
A strong hand grasped his shirt and pulled him forward until once again, their lips were pressed tight together. A hot, wet tongue slid across his bottom lip, begging for entrance.
Harry struggled to get away, “I can’t please. I need…”
Malfoy growled in frustration. “Potter, shut up. All right? Just shut up and feel. ”
The next kiss was open mouthed and desperate, all teeth and tongues and sloppy sounds. There were whimpers and groans and hands moving everywhere.
Harry finally felt alive again.
~fin~
A/N: All animals mentioned in this fic do, in fact, exist and reside in the ZSL Whipsnade Zoo
eta:
catsintheattic wrote a cute little poem to go with this crazy fic! omg! *diez* ![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 04:44 pm (UTC)Lallallalallala!
Okay, that just finished me with laughter. Heeeeee! Well done!
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 05:07 pm (UTC)If I could have linked to a clip of Xena's battle cry, I would have. *twirls you*
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:18 pm (UTC)Thanks, glad you liked!
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:15 pm (UTC)I shook my head at myself the whole time I was writing it.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-27 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-28 02:24 pm (UTC):D
Yes, one must be careful who one throws over fences.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-27 05:33 am (UTC)*G*
*G*
*dies*
no subject
Date: 2008-05-28 02:25 pm (UTC)Yay! Glad I made you giggle.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-01 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-02 12:54 am (UTC)::loves::
I'm so happy you liked. As I said, I was thinking of you when I wrote it! It is such a strange little fic that I honestly couldn't believe I was writing it. I still laugh when I think of myself typing and giggling at killing off everyone! Hee!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-02 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-02 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-02 01:05 am (UTC)I am so proud of you for giving in to the temptation of the clicky! :D
no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:25 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. I know these hd_500 fics are all across the board in terms of style and genre and with a few wonky pairings! So thanks for reading everything from the pre-slash fluff to this dark crack fic.
And sending out Crookshanks with the Aurors is a fabulous idea!!! :D
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-07 06:31 pm (UTC)Sorry I missed this. Thank you so much for your lovely comment and for reminding me about this crazy fic. I have no idea what I was one, but boy, I wish I had some at the moment. :D
♥
no subject
Date: 2009-05-12 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 05:51 pm (UTC)yes, that is a prefect word. :)